Change...

"what is a miracle to one becomes black magic to another...Blasphemy in one age becomes holy utterance in the next and this day's heresy is tomorrows credo." - Daphne Du Maurier

to me - stillness is not the same as quiet.. nor is it the same as restful... but to me silence is healing. i guess we are all different. we perceive things differently.. we observe ... understand and think about things in different manners. -- so for me ... quiet is scary.. and silence is still healing ... it allows one to be themselves... to cherish and contemplate one's own being... i always seem to wonder about change...the good and the bad... i hate change .. yet it is necessary... as the times have changed .. so have the thoughts and beliefs of the entire world... change affects everyone and everything ... on and off of this earth. Intelligence levels .. in general (i know some of the greatest minds to ever exist-pre-existed modern times and that change would not have occurred without them) - however overall levels of general knowledge and and overall understanding of the natural every day to day occurrences and and even a general understanding of the world itself .. have become more complete. - But even though change has had its ups ... it also has its downs ... hate spreads .. evil causes demise... instead people are being killed by machine guns and chemical advances instead of by french guillotines. change is not always good. but it is necessary.
but somehow i cannot understand the good in every day to day change.-- whatever change that has ever occurred in my life has been bad ... my parents are gone -- i own all these things that i dont know what to do with ... i have bills... -- we changed the sliding door in the kitchen about two years ago ... its already broken .. the old one was better. i went to high school -- made new friends but lost old ones .. i went to college - met a second family -- but i will never be as close to some of those as i was in high school -- i feel like every time something is changed -- memories are lost --- the good times fade out of your memory-- you start a new life - and almost forget about the old -- im stuck in a world that does not exist!!!!!!! - DNE -- guess i learned something in Calc ...

i dont want to live like this anymore. i keep thinking of things to change and use and give me something to do with myself -- i have so many offers to do things .. but i dont want to do anything . i dont want my life to be like this .. this isnt what it was supposed to be like... i dont want to conform to my new life... i want to go back to UCONN .. and come home for holidays and argue with my parents about a curfew ... i want things to be the way they were -- but then i contemplate -- change ... i mean its supposed to be good right? -- well hello life???? wheres the good here?? -- my entire life changed -- whats so good about it?? -

people seem to contemplate change - i just did. in my eyes. CHANGE SUCKS.