One of These Pieces is Not Like the Other...

Sometimes there are places that you can just throw yourself back into and you can feel like your at home .. no matter how long you have been missing. UCONN does that for me ... i came to visit yesterday and i feel like nothing has changed .. almost. I love being back and seeing all of my friends ... all of my family. I feel comfortable being in a place where i know where everything is ...however ... everything is the same .. yet everything is different. I cant help but think .. do i still belong here? Why wouldn't i? - i was the one who got ripped out of here ... no one has any idea .. the C.A`s ... the Hall Directors .. they are so fucked up. One of them actually made me feel like i was a guest ... like i dont know my way around here?? like this isnt my home ... still. ahahahahah. i laugh at them ... i dont sign in .. im living out of other people's rooms... screw it.. i dont care anymore. i am going to do what i want to do. as of now .. thats stay at UCONN. i want to come back .. i have to come back here. i WILL figure it out .. one way or another...

Do it for Yourself...

Selfish- definition: –adjective

1.	devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

- that is according to Webster's Dictionary. This word has an evil connotation. What the hell is wrong with being selfish? To me - as long as you are not taking advantage of or hurting anyone, you can be selfish. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your own ... or with looking after yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you obviously won't have a life to live. You should come first.... for you. There is no way you can have a job, children or a life if you do not think about yourself and your needs first. Who can even share themselves with another person if you do not take care of you first. Do no take this the wrong way, i am not saying if you want candy that you should take it from a baby ... but you should hold yourself in high regards.... i do. and i never did before - i put everyone and everything ahead of myself all of the time... i would often get sick or end up in a hospital because i would not look after myself ... i would help the boy i liked get with another girl that i hated... i gave my jacket away at out door parties to friends that were cold -- even though i was left standing in a "wife beater" -- these things are acts of kindness ... however i did realize only this morning, that it is okay to be selfish. -- I made the decision last week to go to a benefit for my mother to raise money for my college education. Yet yesterday, after I had my first real breakdown, mentally and emotionally -- i realized, right now ... i do not have the ability to attend this benefit. I packed my bags and left MA ... i called my family and told them i didnt want to go.. rather i called my auntie dawn who called my uncle dave who supposedly called and told my grandmother .. yet when i called to tell her i would call her when i got safely to auntie dawns house ... which was me being really nice .. i dont have to check in with them, i just dont want them to worry ... the old lady pulled a fast one on me! - she told me she was disappointed with me.. listen lady, im disappointed with MY ENTIRE FAMILY.... how dare you??? where did you all of a sudden find courage??? -- because as i see it - they were trying to drag me on a 4 hour cruise .. with my mother's co-workers none of which have i ever met , not allow me to bring any of my closest family or friends -- and throw me into a room where 405 people everything from dick head CEO's bitchy wives and even bitchier travel agents .. all of whom are gay and i cannot walk past with the wrong dress on .. or with my makeup running - they have toolbelts of makeup -- my mother informed me of this one.- they would tell me how sorry they are -- how much they miss my mom -- and how proud she was of me ... excuse me but i dont do sorry. i bet i miss her more, are you trying to compete with me? and you do not need to tell me how proud either of my parents were of me ... they told me EVERYDAY. ---- for the first time in my life ... i dont give a shit about what anyone thinks!! - unfortunately my family does ... they worry about their appearance and how they speak, who they talk to and who is allowed to talk to them. ... they are extremely nice and i love them .. they just care to much .. so today .. and tomorrow when the benefit is ... and probably everyday for the rest of my life -- i am going to be selfish --- in a good way... in the sense that i will put myself first... i will worry and take care of me and my neeeds before i even think about anyone elses'... I am 18, maybe i am allowed to do this ... maybe not. i dont care.

"concerned primarily with one's own interests."

-- tell me, what is wrong with that huh?
"Im going to do me ... and you can do you- and i dont care what no body says"- akon.

Life's Ice.

The last thing my father said to me was "You have never been this thirsty in your life, FUCK YOU" -- he was very ill and on a number of medications which made him a little loopy. That morning .. he had pulled out his intebation tube and was breathing and talkin on his own ... yet it was not him. He was mad at everyone and everything, rightfully so. He wanted something to drink .. he had not had anything to drink by mouth in so long.. he had been intebated for a month. I did not know how that felt ... i could do only one thing for him, and that was to give him one ice chip every half hour .. it wasnt enough... it broke my heart. - He obvioulsy loved me very much .. that day he was reintebated and in a few days with a switch of medication he was himself again ... however those are still the last words that i HEARD HIM SAY.... the last time i heard his voice... i hear it every morning when I wake up... But now every morning when i wake up not only do i think of that .. i think of my mother .. the last thing she said to me was while she was crying on the bathroom floor "NO NO, im not having a heart attack, i am sorry i scared you, i scared myself. I think i just had a little panic attack hayl. I just got scared, i dont want you to be an orphan." then she cried... i hugged her told her not to be silly everything was okay... left the room. and found her 10 minutes later. She died that saturday night in my opinion.
--It sucks.. the first and last things i think about every night are those things .. and did i do everything right? what if this .. what if that? did i make a wrong decision .. what will happen to me? -- this is why i just dont sleep anymore... its easier being tired then it is to be alone for those moments before you fall asleep at night. For me, that time has turned into the scariest time of the day ... well tied with if i do fall asleep, when i wake up in a panic... and alone the next morning ... -- Well mom and dad... i am an "orphan" now i guess.. your both gone and together in a better place. good for you .. i really am happy for you... just one thing ... YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!!!!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND!!!
IMAGINE IF I HAD LEFT EITHER OR BOTH OF YOU ... NEITHER OF YOU WOULD HAVE SURVIVED... I CAN ALREADY SEE THAT. HOW DOES ANYONE EXPECT ME TO!? -- MY MOTHER DIED OF A BROKEN HEART ... WHAT MAKES ANYONE THINK THAT I WONT?

thats how pissed off at my parents.. the world and everyone else in it - human or supernatural i am. FUCKEMALL. thats what i have to say.
i am sitting here 18 going on 45 - losing hair from stress - getting wrinkles around my eyes and forhead from worrying... why do we have to deal with these things in life? -- life would be awesome - if we didnt have to deal with all this shit. -- however i am a firm believer in the fact that if it werent for the bad things in life - the good just wouldnt be that good.

we have free will and choices to make in life. without them - we have nothing.. we are nothing. what makes us individuals is the experiences we are dealt with in life. I am who i am today - because life built me this way - for the good and for the bad. - if there is such a thing.

like ice, things in life freeze over .. they melt away .. they can hurt you if its in a sharp pointy shape... they creat obsticales.. they are not always transluscent. Life. -- is like the giant icicle i took a picture of at the top of this blog - it is dangerous, beautiful, wonderous, over looked and under appriciated.

DONT TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTEED. YOULL NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY WILL BE GONE. BELIEVE THAT.


<3>

For the Second Time in My Life--

Believe it or not, this is my first blog. I never even considered putting my life out there for people to read until just now. It is 2.15 on the dot .. Wednesday morning, January 28. I am sitting in a living room, which I have only sat in once before, yet I feel at home... I had to get out of my house. Exactly 14 days ago,on January 14th, my mother, Sherri-Lynn Habib O'Riordan died of a heart attack. January 10th, that Saturday night my friends and I were downstairs playing Guitar Hero.. they were leaving and went to say goodbye to my mom when she began complaining of chest pains.. i offered to call the ambulance .. I insisted on calling my Aunty Dawn, when she refused.. i called anyways. No One answered, for the first time in my life I didnt know what to do. My mother said she needed to use the bathroom so we went to the kitchen, i got a glass of milk and calmly drank it... not thinking anything was wrong... she just had heartburn. I went to check on her and all I could hear was a sickening noise coming from the bathroom, gargling, suffocation. The door was locked, I kicked it in. For the second time in my life, i performed CPR. ... for the second time in my life, it was on one of my parents. We called the ambulance, I didn't stop.. she began to seize, i sacraficed my fingures so that she would not choke on her tongue. The ambulance finally arrived, unfortunately I had been giving her CPR for 10 minutes.. or more. Time moved so slowly, yet so quickly at the same time. They came... they told me not to stop CPR... they kicked me out of the bathroom I found her in.. the same room i found my father in in the second week of September in 2007... they began asking me questions, things I just could not answer at the time ... some arrogant ass hole police man had the nerve to tell me that he found marajuanna in the house ... i ripped him a new ass hole and told him it was an arghiella... a hookah for God's sake. fucking asshole. "i dont mean to bust your balls he said" - i told him i would bust his. -- they pronounced her dead.. they pronounced her alive! - they took her away .. they performed heart surgery.. it was successfull. then they told me she would be a vegetable at most... my mother... the most beautiful and intellegent woman I ever met, in a vegetative state forever? No. For the second time in my life ... i chose to "pull the plug" on one of my parents... I handled it well, I was angry but i did not cry. The entire hospital was filled with family and friends, they said they never saw anything like it ... they said the same at a different hospital about my dad. For the second time in my life, i planned the funneral mass and wake for a parent. For the second time in my life, i wrote and read the Eulogy at the mass. For the second time in my life, I was the last one standing at the grave... The last one to see the casket lowered .. and the first one to hear the first hand full of dirt to land on the casket, which i threw ... for the second time in my life. My mother and father were in love. They could not live apart... my mother died of a broken heart. It just pisses me off that now I have to live without them both. Great .. they are together... and I am alone. -- not literally - i do have a huge support system, and a lot of people that love me around me .. however, i am and always will feel alone...deserted..unloved. My mother was severely depressed, i now undertand why... I wake up in a big house every morning .. alone. I wait for a call or a text from someone, anyone really. To tell you the truth i probably ignore it when it comes... i just want to know that it came... to feel loved. I hate talking on the phone period ... i dont like most people in general. if i havent talked to you in ten years, dont ask me if i remember you.. dont tell me how sorry you are for me .. dont pity me, because i just feel bad for you and laugh at you with myfriends behind your back .. dont do what 90% of the people at the wake did ... make me feel like i need to console you.. dont come up to me crying and say .. oh your dad just left you .. and now your mom left you and your all alone! - yes someone actually said that to me .. oh another one not to say... "did both your parents die!?" -- umm like i didnt notice.. as my auntie Dawn said... get some fuckin tact. you assholes. You think you are being considerate? think again.. you make everything worse. Ideally, I want to wake up in the morning when I want to wake up .. not by a phone call from the Dean of Students at UCONN, or from one of my friends mothers, or my family, whom I have NEVER talked to as much as i have over the last two weeks... and all of you bill collectors.. sorry. I HAVE NO MONEY. I dont even wish I had my old life back because i refuse to live in a semi-reality world... i am not that ignorant... no matter how much my family is. Do Not push me because I am close to the edge. I am 18 years 4 months and a few days old .. no i cannot do this by myself... but i can handle me by myself! -- dont try and change everything just because everything changed for me. DO NOT SUFFOCATE ME!!! No matter how many times I scream that to people .. they dont listen. When I speak, what most people hear is "The Adult Voice" from the Charlie Brown show .. you know what I mean? "Wah Wah wAHHHA WHAHH!!!" WTF!!!! --- they hear ... oh please help me .. im desperate .. im alone and both of my parents died tragically in the last year. Just leave me alone .. let me get my life back in order.. i will do things my way and the way i want them to be done. I am obviously using my intuition, my heart, my soul and all of the things that my parents ever taught me to make the decisions that i am making, if they disrespect my choices ... they are disrespecting my family and its wants and needs. NO ONE KNEW THEM LIKE I DID. NO ONE. i dont car eif you knew them for all 40 years .. if you grew up with them ... if you went drinking with them. They were my mommy and daddy<3> I used to go to UCONN... i fell in love with that school.. i made friends that i will have forever there. i graduated in the top 10% of my class, ive always wanted to be a dentist i had scholarships and i was ready to attack the world! .. ive always wanted to learn and embrace my life...never in a million years did i think this would happen. I had to leave the school i loved... now the world is attacking me .. to live at home where i am alone 96% of the day... i will go to a community college at 4 nights a week... i will work the other three and every day until 6. I will hold down three jobs so that i will never have to be hungry or cold in my own home EVER AGAIN... like i have been this week. I refuse to live my life like this. This is just not fair. I refuse to waste my mind and my talent and get stuck being a bartender for the rest of my life. I sat down and paid my bills last night.. with some help from a friend... couldnt pay all of them, but some of them. I will need a lot of money very soon... and i will find away. I refuse to ask for money, that is not only humiliating for me but it is also demeaning for my mother and father ... they never would have asked anyone for anything. I refuse to be dependent on anyone ... but myself. SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TRUST ME!!!!!!! -- a few people do of course .. and are backing me up .. but its not the same. I still feel alone and ignored. I drove 2 hours tonight .. to come be with my family, the family i really wanted to be with... Even if it is my mom's brother's ex wife and her husband... i dont even understand those words. My auntie, my godmother... the one person who does understand me in this situation.. the one adult that doesnt suffocate me. I came here... to get away from there.. and even though i still cannot sleep at 3 in the morning ... i am so glad that i came. So i guess that was my first blog. I dont care if anyone ... everyone .. or no one reads it. At 18 I have made more complex decisions, more heart wrenching choices and have come to more emotionally and mentally disabling resolutions then many will ever have to. Go ahead ... do what you want with your life... because I certainlly am going to with mine..... LIKE IT OR NOT!


P.S. YOU MAY LOOK AT IS AS THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD BEING ON MY SHOULDERS .. I STILL LOOK AT IS AS THE WORLD BEING IN THE PALM OF MY HANDS.




mommy<3daddy. i love you. always.