it`s officially 4:01 in the morning .. Wenesday February 11th. I have given up trying to sleep. I have come to terms with the fact that I may or may not fall into REM sitting at the kitchen table, or in some obscure place in my home around 6 or 6:30. I will wake up feeling sick and mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. The last thing I would have remembered from the night before will be the cold tears on my face and all of the uncomprehendable, evil, disgusting, pitiful, sickening and not to mention heart wrenching thoughts that ran through my head right before my eyes decide that they can no longer stay open staring at the computer screen. Tomorrow will be a blur, like every other day. I will clean, do laundry, pay bills, sign papers, have people around me, yet feel completely alone , I will be angry and confused ... I will cry. My best friend Karyn told me after my father died that "things may not ever be good again, but they will be okay. And that that will be good enough if I let it." I try to think of that everyday. I don't want to be okay, I do not want to learn to live with it. I do not want to conform to my new life. This is not a life, this is a mysterious zone from a supernatural universe, this is no longer a Home, it is simply .. a living hell. I know now how my mother felt every morning when she woke up alone in her bed... alone in her once pristine household. -- I finally understand that one simply cannot live a natural life without the ones whom they love by their side. I always took that for granted. I always told myself that I would never live my life in regret... that does not even matter anymore. My entire, zombie like day, will consist of me regretting everything I have ever done, they way I interacted with my parents, the way I treated my mother after my father died.. when i should have called the ambulance, how long i gave cpr for ... how it took me too long to break down the door, how i should have stayed with her.... that the last thing that she saw and remembered was the inside of her unfinished bathroom... alone, scared and clinically depressed. At one point in my life, I regretted nothing, now ... I seem to regret everything. The power of making simple decisions has left me. I cannot do anything by myself. I am no longer independent.. which I have always thought of myself to be. Now .. I am simply nothing. I do not wake up in the morning.. i just open my eyes. I stare at a computer screen for 20 hours of the day, 14 of which I am alone, the other six, i simply ignore my visitors. When they come, i pretend to be happy. I cry sometimes when people are here.. they never know what to say.. they just look away. Trying not to catch my eye... they break contact immediately, and begin to ramble about things of which I am not concerned. I am tired and i cannot sleep. My mind will not allow my body to rest .. my mind, is no longer my own. It controls itself. It tells me when to do things ... it allows me to do or not to do things. I have no cont roll over my life any longer. Maybe I never did, however this is the most difficult part of my life thus far. Harder then watching both of my parents die, on my account. - I cannot look at anything, the memories are too hard to bear. I cannot even watch t.v, commercials about holidays, love, home cooked meals..the olive garden commercial where the parents go to college to bring their daughter and her roommates out to dinner.. the Pillsbury commercial where the people click their feet in a cliche manner to synthesize the fact that there is "no place like home" then you see a loving family sit down to dinner.. all of those things, simply break my heart. I did not think that this would be this hard. I do not understand what my mind... my conscience.. and my emotions are going through. Our bodies are not built to endure these kinds of things. We are not supposed to understand how to deal with the unnatural things in life... we barely understand how to deal with the "normalises" of life. Now its 4:21.. i don't even remember writing all of this, and i certainly do not remember sitting here for this long already. I will re-read this post after I have finished it... and yet it will all seem like a blur. The hours seem to pass so quickly, yet the days and the months linger... I may amaze myself with my writing, or i may simply break down and cry because of what i have written down on this page. I cannot give you an answer for sure, only because i can honestly say i do not remember what was written. My body is running in slow motion, like my mind. Everyday i look at the clock and do not understand how the day has already come to an end... i accomplish nothing during the day except for beating another high score in Snood Beta 4. -- People say that it is unhealthy to live like this... i must agree. People call me everyday to see what i need, if anything... or at least they used to. Most of the phone calls have stopped, probably because i have ignored them. I wish people would understand that i only ignore them, because i love them too much to talk to them. It is hard to explain. So i will not even try to describe it in words. All i know is ... i wish they kept callings .. even though i will keep ignoring. -- My eyes are becoming weary, heavy. Yet, if i lay my head down to sleep, i will lay there will tears running down my face, hitting my pillow with a loud thud. They are heavy tears... too heavy to keep in my eye sockets.. too heavy to hold in my heart. They do not leave a trace in my heart .. they simply leave a dent. Every time i cry, my heart gets ripped apart.. shredded like an old bank statement... pieces are lost like an old checker's board handed down.. you try to use new pieces to fill the lost ones... pieces of paper coloured red or black.. perhaps some coins or some hard ABC gum... whatever you choose... it is not the same... the pieces .. although suffice, are not the same. Your handmedown checkers game, will never be as good as it once was. It is put together, put the missing pieces cannot be replaced, the pieces which have been chewed on by dogs and little brothers never feel the same in your hands. The paper and the coins that one tries to use instead, do not feel the same. You notice immediately, the difference. -- No one notices the difference in me. I hide it so well. I have learned to hide a lot of things over the last year or so. I have built a wall, which will endure the masses of people trying to break it down, it will survive even if i try therapy. It cannot be broken, it is not as fragile as my heart. I wish it was, I will wait for the person that can tear that piece of shit wall down. I want to watch it crumble like the berlin wall. I would like to say that it broke down.. that i finally broke down and opened up. October 3rd was the day in which reunification concluded however, the "Mauer im Kopf" -- (the Wall in the head) took over 200 hundred lives. If a manmade wall can take a life.. so can a wall built around your heart. The wall in my body does not protect anything.. it simply prevents someone from stopping the demise of the person I once was. I write to try and free my soul .. free my heart from the wall that seems to get larger everyday... which only makes my heart smaller. I look to my Lord for help, I take everybody's advice with a smile on my face and a warm look in my aura. I am a good lier, I am simply cunning... sneaky. Now, I fear my mine.. i fear my thoughts... my emotions ... MYSELF. How is one supposed to live a fulfilling life when they cannot even trust themselves. I trust no one, for the sheer fact that I cannot put my trust and love in someone else's hands if i cannot even see or feel trust or love for myself. The old me is dead and gone. I find it hard to believe that I will ever resurface. I do not think it is worth it to go through years of therapy to do so. I will not reach out for help, If i cannot help myself ... how can anybody else? -- Enough is Enough When will this end? .. will it ever? It is now 5 am. I have officially labeled myself an insomniac.. i do not remember the last time i wanted to fall asleep. The time i spend with myself before bed is scary. I would rather not sleep. I have lost the vision in my left eye... i think it is from stress. I miss how i saw the world before. Now my vision is always blurry. I do not perceive things in the same manner.. i doubt i ever will. I do not like the way my mind works anymore. I used to love my life... Now I do not want to live it anymore. I understand completely that there is always "someone worse off then me" .. i pray for them. If i cannot do this... I do not understand how they can survive. Do they simply go through the same things I go through I wonder...Even if they do.. it doesn't matter. I am doing this alone.. because people cannot give me what i need.... No one can. And that is no one's fault .. not even my own... even though i think everything else in my life is... Maybe one day i will fianlly be okay.. until then .. i do not think that i can live like this for much longer... it hurts. My body.. my soul ... everything just hurts. When will enough be enough? -- When will someone give me a break? Presently ... it is hard to think that anyone ever will.
5:05 am. now i will wait for my weary eyes to decide they need to be closed. Until then... i simply wait.
