For the Second Time in My Life--

Believe it or not, this is my first blog. I never even considered putting my life out there for people to read until just now. It is 2.15 on the dot .. Wednesday morning, January 28. I am sitting in a living room, which I have only sat in once before, yet I feel at home... I had to get out of my house. Exactly 14 days ago,on January 14th, my mother, Sherri-Lynn Habib O'Riordan died of a heart attack. January 10th, that Saturday night my friends and I were downstairs playing Guitar Hero.. they were leaving and went to say goodbye to my mom when she began complaining of chest pains.. i offered to call the ambulance .. I insisted on calling my Aunty Dawn, when she refused.. i called anyways. No One answered, for the first time in my life I didnt know what to do. My mother said she needed to use the bathroom so we went to the kitchen, i got a glass of milk and calmly drank it... not thinking anything was wrong... she just had heartburn. I went to check on her and all I could hear was a sickening noise coming from the bathroom, gargling, suffocation. The door was locked, I kicked it in. For the second time in my life, i performed CPR. ... for the second time in my life, it was on one of my parents. We called the ambulance, I didn't stop.. she began to seize, i sacraficed my fingures so that she would not choke on her tongue. The ambulance finally arrived, unfortunately I had been giving her CPR for 10 minutes.. or more. Time moved so slowly, yet so quickly at the same time. They came... they told me not to stop CPR... they kicked me out of the bathroom I found her in.. the same room i found my father in in the second week of September in 2007... they began asking me questions, things I just could not answer at the time ... some arrogant ass hole police man had the nerve to tell me that he found marajuanna in the house ... i ripped him a new ass hole and told him it was an arghiella... a hookah for God's sake. fucking asshole. "i dont mean to bust your balls he said" - i told him i would bust his. -- they pronounced her dead.. they pronounced her alive! - they took her away .. they performed heart surgery.. it was successfull. then they told me she would be a vegetable at most... my mother... the most beautiful and intellegent woman I ever met, in a vegetative state forever? No. For the second time in my life ... i chose to "pull the plug" on one of my parents... I handled it well, I was angry but i did not cry. The entire hospital was filled with family and friends, they said they never saw anything like it ... they said the same at a different hospital about my dad. For the second time in my life, i planned the funneral mass and wake for a parent. For the second time in my life, i wrote and read the Eulogy at the mass. For the second time in my life, I was the last one standing at the grave... The last one to see the casket lowered .. and the first one to hear the first hand full of dirt to land on the casket, which i threw ... for the second time in my life. My mother and father were in love. They could not live apart... my mother died of a broken heart. It just pisses me off that now I have to live without them both. Great .. they are together... and I am alone. -- not literally - i do have a huge support system, and a lot of people that love me around me .. however, i am and always will feel alone...deserted..unloved. My mother was severely depressed, i now undertand why... I wake up in a big house every morning .. alone. I wait for a call or a text from someone, anyone really. To tell you the truth i probably ignore it when it comes... i just want to know that it came... to feel loved. I hate talking on the phone period ... i dont like most people in general. if i havent talked to you in ten years, dont ask me if i remember you.. dont tell me how sorry you are for me .. dont pity me, because i just feel bad for you and laugh at you with myfriends behind your back .. dont do what 90% of the people at the wake did ... make me feel like i need to console you.. dont come up to me crying and say .. oh your dad just left you .. and now your mom left you and your all alone! - yes someone actually said that to me .. oh another one not to say... "did both your parents die!?" -- umm like i didnt notice.. as my auntie Dawn said... get some fuckin tact. you assholes. You think you are being considerate? think again.. you make everything worse. Ideally, I want to wake up in the morning when I want to wake up .. not by a phone call from the Dean of Students at UCONN, or from one of my friends mothers, or my family, whom I have NEVER talked to as much as i have over the last two weeks... and all of you bill collectors.. sorry. I HAVE NO MONEY. I dont even wish I had my old life back because i refuse to live in a semi-reality world... i am not that ignorant... no matter how much my family is. Do Not push me because I am close to the edge. I am 18 years 4 months and a few days old .. no i cannot do this by myself... but i can handle me by myself! -- dont try and change everything just because everything changed for me. DO NOT SUFFOCATE ME!!! No matter how many times I scream that to people .. they dont listen. When I speak, what most people hear is "The Adult Voice" from the Charlie Brown show .. you know what I mean? "Wah Wah wAHHHA WHAHH!!!" WTF!!!! --- they hear ... oh please help me .. im desperate .. im alone and both of my parents died tragically in the last year. Just leave me alone .. let me get my life back in order.. i will do things my way and the way i want them to be done. I am obviously using my intuition, my heart, my soul and all of the things that my parents ever taught me to make the decisions that i am making, if they disrespect my choices ... they are disrespecting my family and its wants and needs. NO ONE KNEW THEM LIKE I DID. NO ONE. i dont car eif you knew them for all 40 years .. if you grew up with them ... if you went drinking with them. They were my mommy and daddy<3> I used to go to UCONN... i fell in love with that school.. i made friends that i will have forever there. i graduated in the top 10% of my class, ive always wanted to be a dentist i had scholarships and i was ready to attack the world! .. ive always wanted to learn and embrace my life...never in a million years did i think this would happen. I had to leave the school i loved... now the world is attacking me .. to live at home where i am alone 96% of the day... i will go to a community college at 4 nights a week... i will work the other three and every day until 6. I will hold down three jobs so that i will never have to be hungry or cold in my own home EVER AGAIN... like i have been this week. I refuse to live my life like this. This is just not fair. I refuse to waste my mind and my talent and get stuck being a bartender for the rest of my life. I sat down and paid my bills last night.. with some help from a friend... couldnt pay all of them, but some of them. I will need a lot of money very soon... and i will find away. I refuse to ask for money, that is not only humiliating for me but it is also demeaning for my mother and father ... they never would have asked anyone for anything. I refuse to be dependent on anyone ... but myself. SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TRUST ME!!!!!!! -- a few people do of course .. and are backing me up .. but its not the same. I still feel alone and ignored. I drove 2 hours tonight .. to come be with my family, the family i really wanted to be with... Even if it is my mom's brother's ex wife and her husband... i dont even understand those words. My auntie, my godmother... the one person who does understand me in this situation.. the one adult that doesnt suffocate me. I came here... to get away from there.. and even though i still cannot sleep at 3 in the morning ... i am so glad that i came. So i guess that was my first blog. I dont care if anyone ... everyone .. or no one reads it. At 18 I have made more complex decisions, more heart wrenching choices and have come to more emotionally and mentally disabling resolutions then many will ever have to. Go ahead ... do what you want with your life... because I certainlly am going to with mine..... LIKE IT OR NOT!


P.S. YOU MAY LOOK AT IS AS THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD BEING ON MY SHOULDERS .. I STILL LOOK AT IS AS THE WORLD BEING IN THE PALM OF MY HANDS.




mommy<3daddy. i love you. always.