Life's Ice.

The last thing my father said to me was "You have never been this thirsty in your life, FUCK YOU" -- he was very ill and on a number of medications which made him a little loopy. That morning .. he had pulled out his intebation tube and was breathing and talkin on his own ... yet it was not him. He was mad at everyone and everything, rightfully so. He wanted something to drink .. he had not had anything to drink by mouth in so long.. he had been intebated for a month. I did not know how that felt ... i could do only one thing for him, and that was to give him one ice chip every half hour .. it wasnt enough... it broke my heart. - He obvioulsy loved me very much .. that day he was reintebated and in a few days with a switch of medication he was himself again ... however those are still the last words that i HEARD HIM SAY.... the last time i heard his voice... i hear it every morning when I wake up... But now every morning when i wake up not only do i think of that .. i think of my mother .. the last thing she said to me was while she was crying on the bathroom floor "NO NO, im not having a heart attack, i am sorry i scared you, i scared myself. I think i just had a little panic attack hayl. I just got scared, i dont want you to be an orphan." then she cried... i hugged her told her not to be silly everything was okay... left the room. and found her 10 minutes later. She died that saturday night in my opinion.
--It sucks.. the first and last things i think about every night are those things .. and did i do everything right? what if this .. what if that? did i make a wrong decision .. what will happen to me? -- this is why i just dont sleep anymore... its easier being tired then it is to be alone for those moments before you fall asleep at night. For me, that time has turned into the scariest time of the day ... well tied with if i do fall asleep, when i wake up in a panic... and alone the next morning ... -- Well mom and dad... i am an "orphan" now i guess.. your both gone and together in a better place. good for you .. i really am happy for you... just one thing ... YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!!!!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND!!!
IMAGINE IF I HAD LEFT EITHER OR BOTH OF YOU ... NEITHER OF YOU WOULD HAVE SURVIVED... I CAN ALREADY SEE THAT. HOW DOES ANYONE EXPECT ME TO!? -- MY MOTHER DIED OF A BROKEN HEART ... WHAT MAKES ANYONE THINK THAT I WONT?

thats how pissed off at my parents.. the world and everyone else in it - human or supernatural i am. FUCKEMALL. thats what i have to say.
i am sitting here 18 going on 45 - losing hair from stress - getting wrinkles around my eyes and forhead from worrying... why do we have to deal with these things in life? -- life would be awesome - if we didnt have to deal with all this shit. -- however i am a firm believer in the fact that if it werent for the bad things in life - the good just wouldnt be that good.

we have free will and choices to make in life. without them - we have nothing.. we are nothing. what makes us individuals is the experiences we are dealt with in life. I am who i am today - because life built me this way - for the good and for the bad. - if there is such a thing.

like ice, things in life freeze over .. they melt away .. they can hurt you if its in a sharp pointy shape... they creat obsticales.. they are not always transluscent. Life. -- is like the giant icicle i took a picture of at the top of this blog - it is dangerous, beautiful, wonderous, over looked and under appriciated.

DONT TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTEED. YOULL NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY WILL BE GONE. BELIEVE THAT.


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